Goodbye, Pepe

Tonight, we had to say goodbye to our chihuahua, Pepe. It was an incredibly difficult decision to make, but he got very sick over the past week, and we decided to have him put to sleep.

This is very reminiscent of what we went through in 2004 with our Great Dane. The day I got out of the hospital for preterm labor, I found out that our dog had advanced kidney failure and only had weeks to live. She was only 2, so it was a huge shock. She died in my arms, exactly 1 week later. To be going through it again, while pregnant, seems unbelievable.

I am numb and emotionally drained. I feel horribly guilty for not paying much attention to him recently, and for having to decide his fate. Every time I glance at his empty bed in the corner of the living room, my heart breaks. My husband, my kids, and I are struggling to hold it together right now.

Tonight, I held him in my arms, and as he gazed up at me, I vividly remembered the day I first met him. For my high school graduation in 1998, my parents asked me what I wanted. I had always wanted a chihuahua, so that's what I chose.

The day I got him, he fit in the palm of my hand. He quickly became my little sidekick, and has been with me for my entire adult life. When I met Grant, he lovingly dubbed him "Mister Pepito Bismol." Pepe was with me for every major life event, and it's so hard to believe that he's gone.

My heart is heavy tonight. We are going to miss Pepe terribly.

I want to remember:

* When I first got him, he was so tiny that he only ate 1 tbs of rice baby cereal mixed with 1 tbs canned puppy food, twice a day.

*He slept in a tiny basket as a puppy, because even the smallest bed was too big for him.

*As a puppy, he accompanied me to the stable. He would sit in his basket on a tack trunk while I groomed my horse.

*When I still lived with my parents, he used to love sitting on my dad's lap while he watched hockey. Pepe's little head would zip back and forth as he tried to follow the puck.

*Pepe was great at keeping our cats under control. If one would misbehave, all we had to say was, "Get that cat!" and he would race toward it, yapping, until the cat ran away.

*When our first Great Dane passed away, and I was struggling with weeks of bed rest, he spent the entire time laying on the couch with me.

*He was fiercely protective of our kids when they were babies. He was fiercely protective of me.

*He didn't last very long on walks. When he was done, he would sit down and refuse to move. This resulted in one of us carrying him the rest of the way, or him riding in the basket below the stroller.

*He loved to bask in the sun. When he would sit outside in the hot sun, he would lift his head toward it, shut his eyes, and it almost looked as if he were smiling.

*Even though he got ornery in his old age, he loved his family. The day before he passed, he painstakingly left his bed in our bedroom to lay down in the living room with us.

*He was loyal to us and loved us to the very end.