Our Five Ring Circus: Lost

Thursday, August 19, 2010


It's 3 weeks before my tenth wedding anniversary. I always expected this anniversary to be a great one.

That's far from the truth.

The truth is, my husband and I have been having some marital problems. I never addressed them publicly, out of respect for him. I still won't discuss our issues in detail because this is not the place for that. But I won't hide my feelings anymore.

The truth is, I've hidden my hurt from everybody for long enough. I need to speak up and get support, instead of suffering alone. I need to put myself first for once.

I won't speak badly of him, because I love him, and always will. I do not regret our marriage, because I wouldn't trade the two children we created together for anything in the world.

I am happy. I am not happy with our relationship. And neither is he. He's hurting, I'm hurting, and I'm not quite sure where we will end up. We both need to make changes in order to make us work. There's a lot of hurt that we need to overcome.

We were the fairy tale couple. We worked well together. Divorce was not even a thought in our minds. We didn't believe in divorce!

Now, I'm not so sure. Tonight was bad on so many levels. I need a few days to sort my feelings out. There are many things that I need to do, that I'm going to do to change my life.

I never thought this would happen to us.

Right now, I'm numb. I can't think. I can't speak. I can't even comprehend what's happening.

I'm alone and lost and heartbroken and empty.

My heart aches. For him. For me. For our children.

I'm not sure what's going to happen to us. I'm not ready to give up on 11 years together as a couple. But we both deserve to be happy, and right now, we're just suffering. I'm praying that we can salvage our marriage.

I'm a positive person. Life happens. Not always the way you want or expect it to. All I can do is keep smiling, keep trying, keep moving forward, and keep praying for the best.


  1. aww mama, I'm so sorry. I have had those days/moments too... trust me. It is so hard. I would suggest counseling... and prayer. lots of prayer. Thinking of you!

  2. Steph, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask. You're such a great person/mother/friend/wife/daughter and all the above. Hang in there hun. We all have ups and downs, but only you know whats best for you and your family. Follow your heart. God Bless hun!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. You may have already tried counseling maybe not, if not, I would suggesting trying that it helped my husband and I. We were able to talk about our hurts and frustrations and get help on learning how to do so healthy. We will all be praying like crazy for you and your husband!! Hang in there sweety!

  4. Stef,

    This brings me such sadness to read. Is counseling something you have considered, talked about begun? It DOES help with things, it helped get the ball rolling when Gabe and I had problems several years ago. I've read some books that have helped me put things in to perspective and helped me figure out things.

    It is hard when your best friend and life partner is the person causing you unhappiness or hurt. It's hard because you're hurting because of things with that person and hurting because the one thing you want to be able to do is to talk to your best friend when things are falling apart. Now you can't do that.

    I'll be praying for you and lifting you up in constant prayer. Here are a couple of the books that I've read that have helped me to pinpoint things that are wrong, where I could make changes, where I couldn't:

    The Power of a Praying Wife: Stormie Omartian

    The Five Love Languages: Gary Chapman

    The Five Languages of Apology: Gary Chapman

    The Relationship Rescue & The Relationship rescue workbook: Dr. Phil

    The Dr. Phil relationship rescue book and workbook were AWESOME. They really got us to the point of communicating in a "non-threatening" way. We were no longer quick to anger, yell, hurt one another, etc.

    Stef, I'm not going to say everything will be "okay." I'm not going to say that this is just typical ups and downs. There are peaks and valleys in all marriages, and sometimes those valleys are so cold, so dark, so lonely that it's hard to believe you'll ever see any sunlight again or ever climb out of it. During those times, trust in God to help lead you there.

    I know someone you're close to just became ordained. You should speak with him. Never underestimate the power of prayer.

    You are loved, friend. I'm here if you need to vent, talk, pray, whatever the case may be.


  5. I am so sorry to read this. It sounds like you have gotten some good advice/support from the other comments left. I will pray for you, in that everything works out for the best.

  6. this makes me so sad to read...but you are right--you both deserve happiness.

    you both will be in my prayers, I hope that everything works out for y'all

  7. I feel the hurt in your words and I am SO sorry for that. Prayers are with you during this difficult time. I hate to hear that you are both in a sad place in your marriage, that must be so hard. I love the other comments blog friends have left for you...I know that I have friends that have tried counseling, for some it has worked and some it has not, but it is always there. Thinking of you...

  8. Stef,
    My heart broke reading this. You have always been such an encouraging person with a kind word for everyone from the moment I met you. I pray that God will draw close to you in this dark time and give you His peace.
    Much love,

  9. I'm so sorry my friend! I will be praying for you for sure!! I hope that you guys can reach out for some help... there is no shame in that, so many marriages have been saved through counselling. Praying!!! Always here if you need to vent to an objective bystander!

  10. Stef, I'm so sorry. Prayers and hugs.

  11. I'm so sorry to hear this! I hope that you both are able to work things out and be happy! I don't really have any great words of wisdom, just that if you still love him than fight as hard as you can to hold on to him!

  12. I'm so so sorry!! :( I hope you both find happiness. Cry!

  13. I am so sorry to hear that you have hit a hard patch. Just know that sometimes life throws you lemons. Squeeze those lemons and make some lemonade. :) Ok, not the best quote, but you know what I mean. Be sure that your family is happy. Happiness is important. Maybe you could try some counseling or something? Just a thought. Good luck and lots of hugs to you! :)

  14. I'm sorry you and your hubby are going through a difficult time right now. At least in my own life I can say bringing everything to God has helped me and my family. Along with lots of prayer. Thinking of you!

  15. Oh, Stef, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. My heart is breaking for you. I've wondered lately if you guys were having trouble - I'm so sorry to see it confirmed. I hope that both of you go willingly into counseling to see if another perspective on your issues would help. That's the first thing I'd do, I think. Maybe someday this will just be a memory of a 'rough patch.' Much love. XOXO Jen

  16. I'm so sorry Stef, you're such a wonderful person/mom, you're strong. Please know I'm here for you. Big big hugs to you. I hope you guys can work it out together. Love ya.

  17. I am so sorry to hear this, I hate that you are so sad and in this place. I will be praying for you both and your marriage. The books recommended by a previous commenter are wonderful. The Five Love Languages is awesome and I am right now reading the Power of a Praying Wife. Another good one is The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace, I am currently reading through it and doing the study guide as well. And The Love Dare, its really good too.

    One thing to remember is that all you can do anything about or change is yourself. You can't change your husband, but GOD can. So all you can do is pray that God will help you and him. He can help you to see what you might need to change on your end and in doing so may cause your husband to change. Whatever happens, I am here praying for you and your family. Please let me know if you need to talk! Sending you big hugs!

  18. I am so sorry that you are going through this ... it must be so hard on you all! I'm sending you lots of love and prayers!

  19. You are right in that you and Grant both deserve happiness ... but that happiness can {and should} be in your lives TOGETHER, if possible. And it is possible with the acknowledgment of problems and probably many changes.

    One year ago our marriage was over ... unsalvageable. But the unimaginable issue ended up being the greatest gift in that it brought us to the absolute bottom and showed us that changes had to be made.

    Those changes were not easy. Those changes are ongoing.

    But, we have a stronger marriage now than I ever dreamed possible.

    You can DO THIS ... if you want to. The alternatives are not as good as they may seem right now, not only for Dylan and Lexie but for you as well.

    I will be praying for you. Please let me know if you need to chat.


  20. Hey Stef, this is sad, I hope you'll go through this challenge still together at the end. Consider also the happiness of your children while finding out yours.

    God Bless you and your family

  21. Stef, I'm sorry to hear this. :(

    I agree with the above posts, therapy helps!! Even if you both don't go. I was in a funk a few years ago and went to therapy on my own becasue I knew my funk had nothing to do with Joel. It really helped me a lot. Changed my perspective on things and helped me become a better person and a better wife for sure. Marriage defintely has ups and downs. I don't know what your problems are, so I can't say, "Stay!" I do hope that nothing so terrible has happened and that you can find a way to be happy together!

    Hugs sweetie!

  22. I am so sorry to hear of this Steph, No marriage NO MARRIAGE is perfect. It really does take two to really make it work. Lots of compromize and to give up things we love or like. We cannot be selfish by any means in marriage. We also tend to loose ourselves when children come along. I had to comment as My hubby and I are coming up on 11 years this Sept. I don't know how religious you are or if you are, BUT prayer is so important, don't let satan interfere in a marriage/union/family etc. He loves to tear them apart. I hope all can be worked out so none of you are hurting. HUGS, and BEST WISHES. Jenn

  23. Oh Stefanie! I'm so sorry! Sending you hugs!

  24. So sorry your going through tough times right now. I'll pray that things get better for you & your family.

  25. I'm so so sorry you've been going through this. I hope you both can work things out, in whatever way makes you both happy, and you don't have to have suffer any more. Sending you lots of prayers.

  26. I am so late on reading this and am tears for you. I pray that your days have gotten brighter since this post. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I am going through problems with my "oh so perfect" boyfriend and feel as empty as I once did in the past. Not that this even compares to yours, but I want you to know that if you ever need to talk or even a friend you can email me at paigeleana@yahoo.com and I will be there. I pray that God will show you the way and what is best for your family.

  27. oh my sissy.. I am so sorry that I read this a little bit late :( honestly this made me super sad. I am with Candice, i dont know the real story so i couldnt tell you to stay and fight for it. I am pro-saving marriages, but it has to be beneficial to both and the children. Try to find time alone even just for a day to weigh things and meditate. Seek for guidance and strength from God, He'll definitely heal you both. If you would like to someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email proserfina[at]live[dot]com. I am also online on FB (facebook.com/annmarice).

    we'll be praying for both of you.



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