Not me......

I am not sitting here typing this blog at 12:17 A.M. only because I know that this time is the only time I'm going to have silence, and be able to concentrate. After all, I should be in bed, so I'm refreshed when the kids wake up. Oh yeah, that's what caffeine is for. I'll stay up late just to have time to myself. Oh wait, not I.

I was not in my pajamas when the furnace guy showed up this week. I did not forgo changing into real clothes while he was here. I have dignity to maintain here! Comfort is NOT an option.

I did not let the kids share another happy meal from McDonald's and then drive to get Long John Silver's. I was not craving hush puppies and coleslaw. I learned my lesson when we last had fast food 3 weeks ago!

It wasn't me who was giddy with excitement over my best friend expecting baby #2. It's not all I've been thinking about either!

While we're on the topic of babies, I did not have 2 baby birthing dreams this week. I didn't feel the slightest bit of disappointment when I woke up and realized it wasn't true.

I did not eat 2 huge helpings of my mom's apple pie dump cake this weekend. That would mean that the hour I spent on the treadmill meant nothing!

I am not thinking right now about the cherry pie filling in the fridge. I will not head out to the kitchen to satisfy my craving with a taste.

It wasn't me who had a camcorder and Nikon slung around my neck at the pumpkin patch. I most certainly did not take 119 pictures. I'm not a crazy mom like that! It wasn't Lexie who refused to smile in every single picture I took. Of course she would smile, even though she was getting her 2 year molars.

Speaking of those 2 year molars, it's not those *bastards* that are making my baby scream for an hour when I first put her to bed at night. And it's not me who wants to tear my hair out because she is screaming like a banshee. Of course I'm not relieved that tonight was much better, and thanking the makers of motrin for it.

I didn't forget the pack and play at my house when I went to drop the kids off at my parents last night. It wasn't my dad who oh-so-graciously offered to pick it up for us, so we weren't late for our 80's party.

I didn't dress in a Mr. Rogers tee tied on the side, pegged jeans, double scrunched socks, jelly bracelets, scrunchy side ponytail, and horrific makeup yesterday for an 80's themed birthday party. My husband was most certainly not dressed as Freddie Mercury. Nor did said couple parade through my parents town, while dropping off the kids.

I did not laugh when the massage therapist, who was giving me a mini massage at the party told me that my kid's were most likely causing me to clench my jaw at night. My sweet kids would cause that? I would never cope with the stress of staying home all day with 2 kids (sometimes 3) by clenching my jaw. Of course, I wasn't sitting there, wondering how he even detected the fact that I clenched my jaw in the first place!

It wasn't me who couldn't wait to shave off my husband's Freddie Mercury 'stache. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when he let me shave it during the party.

While we're talking about the party, we did not stay until 3:45 am. Why would a non-drinking person do that? Shouldn't she be home in bed, taking advantage of some sleep while the kids were away? It was not 27 ridiculous degrees when we left, and there was not Christmas music playing on the radio already.

That woman mentioned above, did not sleep in until 12:03 PM, and realize that she was ridiculously late in picking up the kids, but secretly relieved that she got some great sleep. And of course that woman did not want to hold her kids in her arms when she talked to them on the phone to tell them she was on her way to get them. Of course she can be away from her babies.

I did not mutter under my breath, "Dylan, I'm going to spank your a**" when my nearly 4 year old son was driving me nuts. It wasn't Dylan who overheard and told me, "Come spank my a**!" I didn't have a secret urge to abandon my anti-spank mindset and actually spank his a** for repeating what I said. And it was not me who actually giggled about it while said child was in time out.

For more Not Me! Monday's, visit THIS blog.