Completing Phase Three: The Final Pregnancy Chapter with a TWIST

My husband and I started our parenting years when we were young. While everyone else we knew was in college or starting their careers, we were buying a house and having a baby. Two years later, we added another child to our family. Grant said he wanted one, maybe two, kids, so we thought that was it for us.

4 1/2 years later, we changed our minds. Lily was born, and a few days after she turned two, Liam joined our family. At that point we started referring to our kids as Phase One and Phase Two. We always said there would NEVER be a Phase Three!

Well, we all know how that turned out! Coen was our BIG surprise, coming into our lives after we donated most of our baby items. We were done. Phase Three would just be Coen, and we would move forward on our parenting journey. It turns out this chapter in our lives hadn't ended just yet...

Coen's Birth Story - The Labor

It has been 4 1/2 months since Coen was born, and I'm finally sitting down to write his birth story! All five of my labors and deliveries have been eventful - some more than others, and each one so different. This is the first part of the story of how I delivered my HUGE 5th baby naturally.

They say that the pain of childbirth fades over time. I'm not completely convinced. Every time I started to write this birth story, the memories of that day come flooding back, and I cringe. Coen is ABSOLUTELY worth it, but I think if this had been my first delivery, Coen would have been an only child!

The last few weeks of my pregnancy were very difficult. Just like with all of my other pregnancies, I was sick until the day I delivered. This time, I also had horrible heartburn and indigestion that wouldn't ease, and I was so uncomfortable. Braxton Hicks contractions started before 20 weeks again, and kept increasing until I had quite a few labor "scares." My baby bump was bigger than it had ever been before, and although the growth ultrasound predicted an 8 - 8 1/2 lb baby at birth, I felt like I was carrying a giant.

You'll never guess what I was doing when I went into real labor...

Myrtle Beach Family Vacation - Reminiscing About The Last Day

It has been almost one full year since our last family vacation. If you have been following along for a while, you already know it was a big one. While we were in Myrtle Beach, we found out we were expecting baby #5! And the rest is history...

My final Myrtle Beach family vacation recap got lost in my drafts folder during those 9 very long months of morning sickness, and those exhausting early days with a newborn. Because I tend to be very particular about some things, I can't just leave it hanging around in there. I have to finish my recap, or else it will bug me until I do!

Right now seemed like a good time to recap, and I found myself reminiscing as I finished writing this post. Sadly, we're not going to the beach this year, and it's my happy place. I'm very bummed (my husband and kids are, too), but traveling that far this year was going to be very tough. It's a combination of adulting, and having a new baby who DESPISES the car.

Every so often I want to say let's just do it, then I imagine being tethered by a breastfed baby who likes to eat all the time, while my 5 year old runs in the opposite direction toward danger, and I change my mind. Plus, 8-12 hours each way of Coen screaming would be rough. But I want to - I really want to - and if we didn't have to get a new SUV or pay for some home repairs, I would go anyway. So I'm just going to look through all of these pictures when I feel a longing for the beach, and count down the time until we can go back. (But not too fast, because my kids need to slow their grow!)

Here's what we did on the last day of our Myrtle Beach vacation, and on our trip home...

How My Family Scared Off A Police Officer

Every family has a funny story to tell. It's the kind of story that gets told over and over again. It's the kind of story that will never be forgotten. It is so good that it quickly becomes THE family story. Our family story involves a pregnant mama, a car full of kids, and one completely overwhelmed police officer. 

As I was going through the list of blog posts that I still have to publish (the list is SO long), I realized that I hadn't shared this story yet! Actually, in the midst of a tough pregnancy and the exhausting days with a newborn, we didn't even share it with many people. But those who heard it laughed right along with us!  It's certainly a moment Grant, Dylan, Lexie, Lily, Liam, and I will never forget!

Let me set the scene: picture an overwhelmed husband, a sick wife, a newly discovered surprise pregnancy, a car jam-packed full of kids and luggage, and 611 miles to drive home...

Life Before Baby #5

As a mom, it seems like I measure time in life before baby arrived, and life after. I have been a mom for 14 1/2 years, and I truly can't remember what life was like BEFORE I had kids! Now here I am, trying to play catch up for the last year that flew by while I was pregnant or adjusting to life with five kids!

I was so sick during my pregnancy with Coen, just like I was with every other pregnancy. Every single day I battled morning sickness until the day I delivered him. When you are that sick, it's truly a struggle to make it through the day, let alone blog. BUT...I want to catch up on some of the life posts that slipped by while I was sick since this is partially a journal of our lives.

I did so well documenting weekly life for the first 6 weeks of 2019, and I'm determined to finish it. I'm definitely a visual storyteller (or so Facebook tells me), so I might not remember the exact details of the last two weeks before Coen was born, but with the help of all the pictures I took and my beloved Cozi calendar, I just might be able to do a somewhat decent job. All I know is that I was miserably pregnant for those last two weeks of my pregnancy. I was still sick, I was contracting all the time, and I knew my baby was huge. (Spoiler alert: I was right.) The next document life post I will be sharing is Coen's CRAZY birth story, so stay tuned!

Life Lately - Countdown to Baby!

Hello, my friends! This space has been very neglected over the past two and a half weeks. I'm currently almost 37 weeks pregnant, and we have been in full Prepare For Baby mode lately! My focus is on organizing all the things, getting the house ready for a newborn, and dealing with the usual busyness of life right now!

I feel so much guilt over neglecting all the posts I had planned, but I'm working hard on giving myself grace. This pregnancy was a big surprise, and it has been very difficult for me. I am so ready for it to be over, and for this baby boy to finally be in our arms! I'm ready for my body AND my life to get back to normal, even if that new normal is going to be even busier!

Here's what we have been up to over the past few weeks while counting down to our baby's arrival...

Life With Four Littles: Weekly Recap

Life with four littles - or rather, a teen, a tween, and two littles - is always interesting. There is never a dull moment, and in just a few weeks, we'll be adding a newborn to the mix! It seems like baby boy is taking after his brothers, and wants to join the family early. Although our 5th and final baby isn't due until March 14th, I think he's going to be joining us in February...especially after the events of the past few days!

Although it's true that there's never a dull moment, this was a calmer than usual week for us. A pulled abdominal muscle and pregnancy progression forced us - or at least ME - to slow down for a few days. Because of that, this just might be our most boring week yet, which is evidenced by the lack of pictures that I took!

Here's a glimpse at life with four littles last week...

Big Family Life Lately

Happy Monday! Another January week flew by in our usual whirlwind of chaos and busyness. It's hard to believe we're rapidly approaching the end of the first month of 2019!

We're currently enjoying our second three day weekend in a row. I could REALLY get used to these! I had high hopes to post more to the blog this week, but four kids, pregnancy, and a cold took up most of my time and energy. I have a drafts folder full of almost finished posts, so I hope to get those posted this week. I also hope to pull out my real camera more often this week, because I only took a few pictures over the past week. I'm beginning to think that the constant busyness of my family just isn't going to change!

Here's a glimpse of life over the past week...

12 Pregnancy Essentials

It's hard to believe that there are only two months left until my due date! My 5th and final pregnancy is going by so quickly. Between juggling four kids, and dealing with horrible morning sickness throughout my entire pregnancy, my hands have been more than full!

When you have multiple kids, you reach the point where you know exactly what you need during pregnancy, and what is a complete waste of time! This time around, a few new items came into my life, and I was very grateful to have them. I brainstormed, and decided to share the 12 pregnancy essentials that I can't live without!

Here are the 12 items that every pregnant mama needs...

The Chaos Crew's Weekly Recap

Happy Monday! It actually IS a happy Monday, because my kids are off of school today, and my husband is off of work. I would love to say that we're having a relaxing day off, but Dylan has a date with his girlfriend (hold me), and I have a date with the grocery store. BUT...we get to sleep in, and that's a wonderful thing!

The second week of 2019 flew by in a whirlwind of busyness! Germs hit our home this week, too. Stomach cramps hit Lexie on Monday, and Lily on Tuesday. Thankfully, it only lasted a few hours for both of them, and didn't turn into anything else! On Wednesday night, I felt body aches and cold symptoms coming on, and I'm still fighting cold germs. Because I'm pregnant, it's hitting me hard, but it doesn't slow me down one bit! Then again, there's no time to slow down with 4 kids!

Here's a glimpse at our week... 

The First Week of the New Year

We are only six days into 2019, and my crew is exhausted! There was no easing back into a routine after a relaxing winter break. Instead, we just jumped back into it! 

Reality hit on Wednesday. The kids headed back to school, Grant headed back to work, and the holiday bliss was over. Life returned to its usual busyness, complete with basketball practice, dance classes, appointments, early morning basketball games, family dinners, and birthdays!

Here's how the first week of the new year played out...

Sweet November - A Photo Recap

I said it before, but November went by ridiculously fast! Then again, that's every month these days. The truth is, the more kids you have, the busier life is, and the faster the months (and years) go by!

November was filled with so many sweet everyday moments, but we also celebrated Dylan's birthday and Thanksgiving, had many school events (which ended up on my smartphone's camera roll), Dylan started basketball, and we kicked off the holiday season! Because our December has been so busy, I've only been able to blog once a week, so I figured a short and sweet life lately post was the way to go!

Here's a glimpse at life in November...

How We Found Out Baby #5 Was On The Way

It's no secret that our current pregnancy was a BIG surprise! We were in the mindset that we were completely done having children. Our four kids were all in school, baby gear and clothing was given away, and we were moving forward with the next stage in our lives. But obviously, there were other plans for our family!

The news was a bit of a shock at first, but we adjusted quickly. Instead of worrying about how much another child was going to change our lives, we chose joy instead. Simply put, we now get to experience the blessing of another child that we never thought we would have!

We didn't find out we were expecting until I was over two months pregnant, but there was a good reason behind that...

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Happy Friday! It has been a few weeks since I shared a few of my favorite things, and my love list just keeps getting longer. I have so many new favorites that I would be typing forever if I included them all, so I'll just share some today, and some more next Friday!

If I'm going to be perfectly honest, much of my focus these days is on my kids and the new baby that we were not the least bit prepared for! (And if you missed the news, here you go!) It has been 5+ years since our last baby was born, and so many things have changed since then. Plus, we have to purchase almost everything again, because we were DONE. When I'm feeling so sick all the time, I don't really love much for myself, so most of my favoites are for kids!

Here are a few of the awesome things that made my love list...

Life Lately:The Pregnancy Edition

Happy November! Life Lately has been very busy and very exciting. If we're friends on Facebook or Instagram, you probably already heard the news...if not, all you have to do is read my previous post!

Although the busyness of life isn't going to slow down, I'm finally able to function better. I'm hoping to get back to a regular blogging schedule in this month. I missed writing and reading blogs so much while I was sick!

Here's a peek at life lately...

Announcing Our Plot Twist

Last night, we finally made our huge announcement! We had been keeping it a secret since August, so it was a relief to finally tell everyone. I know many people expected a new house, a big move, or a career change, but there were a few who expected a pregnancy announcement. And those few people were right!

I know many of you follow me on social media, but I had to make the news blog official, too. This was definitely the funniest addition sentence we've ever written! We weren't sure how we were finally going to announce our 5th and final pregnancy, but we decided a little bit of humor and a whole lot of love was the way to go!

A Down syndrome Birth Diagnosis: Our Story

On August 18, 2013, we received an incredible gift. That gift was our 4th child, Liam, who was born with Down syndrome! On the day he was born, it was impossible to see the gift we were given while struggling to accept the shocking birth diagnosis. But now we know exactly why we are considered The Lucky Few!

After receiving a large number of emails, and lots of traffic from my Down syndrome Pinterest board over the past few weeks, I decided to revamp my Down syndrome posts, starting with our birth diagnosis story. It is so hard to believe that Liam will be celebrating his 4th birthday next month. Time truly does fly by!

To quickly summarize, we had a healthy pregnancy with Liam, and we were told he was "textbook perfect." The simple blood test showed that our chances of having a child with Down syndrome was nearly 1 in 1000 (those tests are not foolproof), and he looked perfect in all of the ultrasounds. We never thought it could happen to us!

After his birth, the doctors were divided. Several doctors suspected he had Down syndrome while others did not. It took nearly a month before the test results were confirmed, but I already knew. The lab had a lot of difficulty making an accurate diagnosis, so we were in limbo for almost an entire month. But he did, indeed, have Down syndrome.

My recollection of the events that occurred after Liam's birth is foggy. I remember things that happened, things that were said, and the way I felt, but not in order. The hours after his birth were filled with shock, grief, worry, and fear. I later found out that all my feelings that day were completely normal.  I'm not proud of the way I felt, but my thoughts and feelings were identical to many I talked to who shared a similar experience.  Thoughts went through my mind that no mother should ever feel. The truth is, it was a grieving process. I grieved the loss of the baby I thought we were getting, and had to to go through the process of grief, acceptance, and healing.  

What I'm about to share is going to be raw, emotional, and completely honest, but the ending is beautiful. We went into the hospital expecting to meet the perfectly healthy baby we saw in all the ultrasounds.   What actually happened was enough to rock anyone's world.  

Liam's birth story is nothing like I imagined it would be. It was the day that changed our lives forever. Although very much unexpected, it is HIS story, and it's every bit as special as Dylan, Lexie, and Lily's births. 

I experience so many emotions when I think about the day we met Liam. The hours after his birth are a blur, and the pain was evident on my face in all the pictures. There are so many things I wish I could go back and relive now that I know better. The first thing I would do is tell myself to celebrate the baby we were given instead of mourning the loss of the baby we were expecting.

When I think about Liam now, only one word comes to mind: Blessed!

Our story began on the day I reached 37 weeks. I was thrilled to be full term, and so excited to meet our baby! We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl, and the excitement was building. Although I didn't know it at the time, it would be my last weekly pregnancy update.

That afternoon, my mom and I had plans to go to Costco and WalMart to stock up on food and supplies before the baby arrived. When I picked her up from work, I joked about our shopping trip putting me into labor. Little did I know that it would be true! While we were out, I started having very strong Braxton Hick's contractions. By the time we finished shopping, they were getting painful. That evening, I told Grant that I was pretty sure that I was in the early stage of labor.  

The next day was Saturday, so we all slept in. When I woke up, the contractions started again. I called my parents around noon to give them the warning that I would probably be going to the hospital within the next 24 hours. 

That evening, we had plans to go to our friend's house for dinner.  Grant thought I was completely crazy for wanting to go, considering the fact that I had been having regular contractions for almost 24 hours. We went, and during an absolutely delicious dinner, the need to actually time the contractions hit me.  I downloaded a labor app while we were eating, and I began timing the contractions.

My contractions were coming every 5-10 minutes. Every time I had one, everybody stared at me in silence until it passed. I finally looked at Grant and told him that we should probably go home, put the kids to bed, and get things ready to go to the hospital. 

Once the kids were in bed, we sat down on the couch and watched an episode of "Cheers." (Netflix during labor...gotta love it!)  I was still having contractions, but they had slowed down a bit. We headed to bed, confused and frustrated. I only slept about 2 hours before getting out of bed in the middle of the night. I was feeling very restless, and the contractions were coming every 5-10 minutes again. I had coffee, cleaned the house, talked to family and friends, got ready, then paced the house. During that time there were signs that the baby would be born soon.

Around 6 AM, Grant noticed the bed was empty and ran to check on me. I told him that I thought we would be heading to the hospital soon. He suggested that we leave right away, but I was still in denial, and I thought they would send me home if I went to the hospital.

Sometime between 7-8 AM, I realized that this was it. I called my parents to tell them that they should come over ASAP, then I called my OB office, and waited for a call back from the on-call doctor. When my favorite doctor called back and told me to come in, I was so relieved! My parents arrived, we kissed the kids goodbye, and headed to the hospital. Let it be known that GRANT WAS RIGHT...AGAIN!  We should have left at 6 AM.

By the time we got in the car, I was in full-blown, active, PAINFUL labor. The contractions were coming at lightning speed, and once again, I felt like I was going to deliver in the car. It was exactly like our experience driving to the hospital when I was in labor with Lily. I was gripping my seat the entire time.  

We reached the hospital just before 9 AM, and we slowly made our way to labor and delivery. Our nurse, Crissy, met us in the hallway, and Dr. Kapnadak waved to us from the desk. Crissy took us to triage, because I was only 37 weeks, and they wanted to make sure it was actual labor. (Just for the record, I already KNEW it was!)

The only other time I had to go to triage first was with Dylan, who was born preterm, but I knew it was the real thing. I gave a urine sample, changed into a gown, answered questions, got hooked up to the monitor, and waited for my doctor. Meanwhile, Grant got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the very first time! 

My doctor came in, checked me, and announced that I was over 5 cm and completely effaced! This was it! Everything happened really fast after that. We walked to the delivery room, and the nurse hooked me up to the monitors. My IV was put in, and soon after, I got the epidural. It was a much more pleasant experience than my previous experiences with the epidural!

Once the pain medication kicked in, Grant and I were able to relax, and tell everybody that it would be our baby's birthday! He/She would be sharing a birthday with my sister, Pam. I was still in disbelief, but so excited to meet our baby!

I spent the next two hours quietly progressing. Whenever I had to lay on my back to get checked, my blood pressure would plummet, causing me to nearly pass out and feel really nauseous. Medication helped somewhat, but it was scary, so I stayed on my side the entire time. The lack of pain was definitely a relief, though!

While we waited, Grant and I kept checking the heart rate and giving our final guesses for the gender. We also attempted to choose a boy name (Liam or Cohen), and visited with my sister, Kelly, who showed up near the end of my labor.

Around 1:00 PM, the doctor came back in to examine me, and said that I was fully dilated and ready to go! My sister went to the waiting room, and they quickly got the bed ready for delivery. Surprisingly, my water never broke, so I didn't get the chance to call my parents ahead of time to have them come to the hospital with our kids. I remember thinking the entire day was surreal, and feeling like it was all going by too quickly.

Everything that happened from that point on is a blur.

Pushing felt very difficult this time. My legs were heavier than they had ever been before from the epidural, so I couldn't even hold on to them. I struggled with feeling like I was going to pass out or fall off the bed. I was really uncomfortable, but I pushed and pushed and pushed with all my might.

I really only pushed a few times, but it felt like forever! The doctor explained that she hated to do an episiotomy unless absolutely necessary, and it definitely was. Our baby almost came out on the first push, but the head was just too big. After a few pushes, the baby went into distress, and the doctor told me that I only had one more push before she would have to use the vacuum. I had that done with Dylan and ended up with a horrific tear, so I was determined to push the baby out on my own!

I pushed with all my might, and our sweet baby entered the world!

Our baby let out a cry, and with it, I began to cry.  Somebody, although I'm not sure who, said, "It's a BOY!!!  I tried to sit up to catch a glimpse of him. The doctor looked perplexed and commented on how unusually short his cord was, then told Grant that she preferred to cut the cord so he didn't slip and accidentally cut me. We all laughed, but I was disappointed.

All I had wanted for this delivery was for Grant to be able to cut the cord, and for me to hold my baby right after birth. That's all. It had never happened for us! I was bummed that Grant wasn't able to cut the cord, but still hopeful that I could hold my baby.

At that moment, the happy mood in the delivery room came to a crashing halt. And that's when the details get fuzzy. I remember the doctor commenting again about how short his cord was, and staring down at him, looking very concerned.  Now I know why.

I reached out to grab my baby, but the doctor quickly handed him over to our nurse. The blanket was already on my chest, ready for me to hold him for the first time. Disappointment and worry kicked in as the nurse spun on her heel and handed him to another nurse.

After that, the room went completely silent. Our baby wasn't crying, nobody was talking, and everybody in the room was just staring at our son. 

I remember asking if he was okay, yet nobody answered. The doctor wouldn't even meet my eyes, which was very strange. She just went to work cleaning things up. I believe our nurse told us that he had fluid in his lungs, and that he just needed a little help breathing. She kept squeezing my hand and patting my arm, but everybody in the room stayed silent.

Minutes went by, and more doctors entered the room. I repeatedly asked if everything was okay, because our son was completely silent, and nobody answered. I just remember a group of doctors and nurses surrounding his bassinet, blocking our baby from view, and speaking very quietly.

At that point, I knew something was very wrong.

My doctor finished up, said congratulations, flashed us a quick smile, and hurried out of the room.  Our son still hadn't made a single sound.

Eventually, after what felt like hours, he began to cry, and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief.  Doctors and nurses began to leave the room. Only one nurse remained, and she brought him over and handed him to me, as if nothing had happened. After so many agonizing minutes, we were thrilled to have him in our arms! 

 

The delivery lights were still shining over the bed. I took my son from the nurse, and held him in front of me so Grant and I could finally see his face. His entire face was illuminated by the light. His eyes were wide open, and they locked on mine. As soon as our eyes met, my heart plummeted. 

Those eyes were so much different than my other newborns. I knew. I just knew, deep in my heart, that he wasn't the baby we had been expecting for nine months. I actually turned to ask the nurse if he had Down Syndrome, but she had already left. As I took in those features, every single expectation I had for him and our future shattered, along with my heart.

The tears streamed down my cheeks while I was holding him. I turned to Grant, sobbing. "He has Down syndrome." I remember Grant looked completely shocked, and he asked me how I knew. All I could say was, "He does. He just does." 

We were alone in that room for what felt like an eternity. Grief enveloped me as I hugged my baby, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Nobody came in to check on us. We were so alone and so lost. All I wanted to do was wake up from this awful nightmare.

After what felt like hours, a doctor came into the room, pulled over a chair, and sat down. I knew it wasn't a good sign, because that had never happened with my other births. But truly, he didn't have to say a word. I already knew.

He struggled to deliver the news that some of the doctors suspected our baby had a genetic disorder.  I remember Grant asking, "Do you mean Down syndrome?"  I remember the doctor nodding his head, then assuring us that all of our questions would be answered, and that it was just as suspicion. As if that wasn't enough to process, he told us that roughly 3 out of every 5 babies born with Down syndrome have a major heart defect, and that he needed to take our baby to see the cardiologist immediately. With that, our son was whisked away yet again, and we were truly alone with nothing but our grief.

That's when I lost it. Completely and truly lost it. I sobbed, uncontrollably, while Grant tried to reassure me that it would all be okay. I kept repeating the same words.  "It's not okay. I can't do this. I don't want to do this."  I remember asking God why he did this to our beautiful baby.

I didn't want any of this.  I wanted the perfect, healthy baby I had expected. Instead, we were faced with uncertainty. I was terrified we were going to lose our son, or that he was going to need multiple surgeries, and I was terrified of how much our lives were going to change. I knew nothing would ever be the same again if he really did have Down syndrome.

It felt like a nightmare. I kept thinking I was going to wake up at any moment, roll over, tell Grant all about it, and that we would laugh at how much I worried about things. Everything that was happening was completely surreal, and I couldn't escape from it.

Eventually, our son was brought back to us. Despite the grief, I knew I had a baby to take care of. I tried to nurse him, but it was hard. He would latch on, suck weakly for a few seconds,  then turn his head away. On top of that, we still hadn't decided on his name.  I finally told Grant to pick his name. For the first time since our son was born, Grant smiled, walked over to the whiteboard, and wrote down his son's name. 

We realized we didn't have a single picture of our new baby boy. We were never given the chance to pick up the camera. Unfortunately, the first picture taken of Liam was when he was in my arms for the second time, and we weren't filled with happiness, because we were struggling to process the news.

All I wanted to do was hide out in our hospital room and hide our baby from the world. I didn't want to break the news to our family and friends. Unfortunately, my sister was in the waiting room, and family and friends were on their way. Grant brought up the fact that my sister had been waiting a very long time and that we had to go get her.

Kelly came back to the room with Grant, and she was so excited to meet her nephew. We were still processing the news, so we didn't say anything. She could tell I had been crying, and asked if I was okay. I just told her I was tired and emotional, and let her enjoy the moment. She was so happy to be there during my labor and was thrilled she was the first person to meet Liam. She held him and fussed over him, and didn't even notice anything was wrong.

Before she left, she snapped a few pictures for us.  Looking back, I'm so glad she was there, and I'm so glad we have these pictures.  They aren't the traditionally happy post delivery pictures, but a picture is worth a thousand words, and these pictures tell quite a story.

After Kelly left, a nurse took Liam away for more testing. Once again, we were left in complete silence, and nobody came in to talk to us. The entire staff seemed to be avoiding us. My legs were still numb, so I was trapped in bed. I couldn't move, couldn't think, and I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  I felt completely numb and completely drained.

We called my parents, who were on their way with our kids. We didn't say anything to them about what was going on.  Grant called his mom, and broke the news to her.  I cried in the background as he spoke.  At that point, I sent the most difficult message I ever had to write to some of my closest friends.

I was still crying when my dear friend, Steph, knocked on the door.  As soon as she walked into the room, she saw the pain on my face, and she started to cry.  She arrived at the hospital before reading my message, so she had no idea.

As she hugged me, I explained what was going on.  She quickly pulled herself together, then pulled us together. Steph was the moral support we needed so badly, when nobody else would step up, and for that, we're forever grateful. She started laughing and said, "I'm more surprised that he's a boy than I am that he has Down syndrome!" I am so thankful she was there for us. She saved us from falling deeper into depression. 

We decided that Grant and Steph were going to take the kids out of the room as soon as they arrived so I could tell my parents everything. As soon as my parents walked into the room, we greeted the kids, and told them Grant was going to take them to the cafeteria for a treat. My parents immediately knew something was going on, especially since the baby wasn't in the room with us. The look on my mom's face was one of pure terror. As soon as the door closed behind them, I began to cry.

I remember my mom's voice, filled with dread, "What's going on?" I remember trying to get the words out through my tears, "They think he has Down Syndrome." She dropped everything she was carrying to the ground, screamed "NO!" and covered her mouth with her hand. 

I think she hugged me while we cried, I think they asked questions, but I truly can't remember anything after her reaction. That is, until my awesome dad, with his amazing positive attitude, said, "Okay, where's my grandson? I want to meet him!"

Grant, Steph, and the kids returned, so I called the nurse to bring Liam back. Steph pulled out her camera, and began capturing all the special moments while we waited. We gave the kids their big sibling gifts, I tried to eat something but ended up feeding Lily instead, the kids felt my empty belly, and I showed them pictures of their new sibling. Dylan, Lexie, and Lily were the distraction we needed. Their happiness and excitement were contagious.

Liam was returned to us, and the mood completely changed into one of excitement!

I didn't even see any of the pictures until Liam was a few months old, and I cried as I flipped through them for the first time. The pain on my face is evident in the first few pictures, but my mindset began to change as I watched Dylan, Lexie, and Lily meet their baby brother. They loved him just as he was, with all their might. He was perfect in their eyes, and I knew he should be in mine, too. Steph captured these precious moments perfectly, so I'll let the pictures tell the story.

 

I was so afraid that our family and friends were going to act differently around him. I was afraid that all they would notice was his slanted eyes or the extra skin on the back of his neck. But our family and friends loved him just as they loved Dylan, Lexie, and Lily.  The love and support from them was amazing, and watching them love our special boy brought tears to my eyes.

Everybody headed home to give us time to rest and process the news, and Liam was taken away again. Once again, the sadness hit when Liam was out of the room. I remember my two amazing nurses coming in before the shift change to say goodbye. They both wrapped their arms around me and assured me everything would be okay. They were the first hospital personnel to even acknowledge our concerns.

We began the difficult task of telling our family and friends about Liam. Within a half hour of telling my mom group on Facebook, I received a message from another woman that had gone through the same thing. She was the one who gave us the most information, and I am so grateful for that. Nobody at the hospital would tell us anything. Doctors, nurses, and the lactation consultant came and went, but apparently, they had to treat him like a typical baby until the blood test confirmed the diagnosis.

It was nearly 6:00 before I was able to get out of bed. After moving around for a bit, Grant and the nurse convinced me that I had to eat something, even though I didn't want to do anything but cry. We were eventually moved out of the delivery room and into a recovery room. I think we had visitors that night, but honestly, we had so many visitors during our stay that the visits blend together. The love and support was overwhelming and much needed.

After what felt like the most difficult day ever, Grant and I finally attempted to go to bed. It was the most emotionally and physically draining day we had ever experienced. Liam had been taken out of the room for MORE testing and evaluation. My arms were empty, my heart was heavy, and I cried myself to sleep. 

In the middle of the night, the nurse quietly entered the room with Liam. She cheerfully announced that he had another bath and was hungry. She checked on me and handed Liam over. The room was dim and silent.  I held Liam in front of me and studied my baby boy. I breathed in his amazing newborn smell and touched his soft cheeks and lips. His eyes opened, and locked with mine. It was almost as if he was begging to be wanted and loved.

In that moment, he took my breath away.

The tears fell again, but this time, they fell because I was so ashamed at how I felt after he was born. I stared at him and told him that I would love and protect him with all my might. I hugged him against me and kissed the top of his head. He wrapped his fingers around mine and I fell head over heels in love with my beautiful boy.

The rest of our hospital stay was a blur, but it was more positive. I woke up early the following morning and my wonderful doctor came in as I was walking around. She gave me a huge hug and apologized for not discovering this during my pregnancy. We received the great news that his heart was perfectly healthy and his thyroid was perfectly normal. We had a lot of visitors that day, but I can't seem to find those pictures. We also had our courtesy Welcome Baby Dinner, and the cutest little man joined us!

By the next day, Grant and I were more than ready to take our baby home. Nobody helped us or gave us any information, and it was very frustrating! We just wanted to go home and deal with it on our own.

I know Liam's birth wasn't typical, but I felt like we were robbed of having a somewhat normal experience. I felt angry that we were unable to bond with our baby. We didn't get to hold him or see him for the first half hour of his life, then he spent most of his first day away from us. I honestly feel like the situation would have been less painful if we were just given a chance to hold him for a few seconds after he was born. I understand their concerns and why they needed to examine him, but I really do feel like the bonding process was very delayed. My other regret is that we were unable to take any pictures of him immediately after he was born. 

As I was packing up our things to leave the hospital, Liam napped in the sunlight. Grant was taking stuff to the car, and I remember turning around and catching a glimpse of Liam. His beauty captivated me. He looked so perfect and angelic, and I was overcome with the fierce urge to love and protect him.

My doctor discharged me first, then we waited impatiently for Liam to get discharged. We couldn't wait to take him home to be with those who would love and protect him. It was where he belonged!

Finally, the nurse came in with the paperwork and removed the security devices.  We were free to put the nightmare behind us, and move on with our lives, whether it included Down syndrome or not!

As I was wheeled out of the hospital, I wrapped my arms protectively around Liam's carseat.  We ended up in an elevator full of nuns, who surrounded us and prayed over him. I couldn't help but think of it as an incredibly beautiful and much needed moment. I was still trying to hide him from the world, and they just prayed for another beautiful life. 

We finally arrived home to a decorated house, lots of food and gifts, and three very excited kids! We were thrilled to be home with our newest love and excited to start our journey together!

It took almost a month before we received the news that Liam did, indeed, have Down syndrome. It usually takes 24-48 hours to receive the results from the karyotype. I will save that story, with the suspected reasons behind why it took so long, for another time. Let me just say, I wasn't the least bit surprised when I finally received that phone call. I already knew deep in my heart and I had already moved on. And that's when our Down syndrome journey began...

Liam's birth story was not an easy one to tell.  There are quite a few things I wish I could change, but I would never want to change him.  I honestly believe Grant and I were meant to receive such a special blessing. Even if we had known during my pregnancy, it wouldn't have changed anything. 

Dylan, Lexie, and Lily's births were so special. Liam's birth was special, too. I remember the overwhelming feeling of joy when I met Dylan, Lexie, and Lily for the first time, but no matter how hard I try, I can't remember looking into their eyes for the first time.

The moment Liam's eyes met mine is seared into my mind forever. There are times when I close my eyes and the image is so vivid it makes me gasp. It's just his face, illuminated by the only light in the room, and those stunning eyes staring into mine. That moment is so beautiful now. At the time, I failed to see his beauty. Now, his beauty is all I can see. 

Liam changed our lives in so many ways. Liam challenged us to be better parents. He brought our family and friends closer. His birth brought so many amazing people into my life; people I never would have met if he didn't have Down syndrome. Liam made us better.

Every day, I thank God for giving Liam to me. He is a gift, and I am honored to be his mom. I wake up to his incredible smile every morning.  He is joyful, determined, beautiful, captivating, and absolutely perfect. My love for this beautiful boy is immeasurable, and he has captured not only our hearts, but the hearts of people near and far. He is downright perfect and we are downright blessed!

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