A Week in the Life of a Big Family {Week 2}

I can't believe we are more than halfway through the first month of 2020! Is it just me, or does time go by faster each year? I used to always think of January as a boring month, but as my kids get older and my family grows bigger, we get busier, and January is no exception!

Everyday life in a big family is already busy enough, but when we add all the extras to our schedule, life becomes chaotic. We are always on the go! We absolutely have to keep a one extracurricular sport or activity per child rule in our family, but obviously, our schedule changes throughout the year due to seasonal sports and activities.

Week two of 2020 wasn't really remarkable, but there truly is never a dull moment around here! Even when we are running from one thing to the next, I try to keep in mind just how blessed we are to have our beautiful family. Here's an ordinary week in the life of a big family...

A Girl and Her Horse: The Final Chapter

January 8th. A day I was dreading. A day I wished I could just skip over, so I didn't have to deal with all the emotions. A day that finally arrived and made me face my grief. 

I tried to keep busy all day. I tried to avoid thinking about what the day was and what it meant to me. But once the kids were tucked into bed and the house was completely silence, it was impossible to avoid. The pain hit me full force.

Today would have been the 24th anniversary of owning my horse. I would collect carrots, apples and sugar cubes, and put them into a bag. I would bundle up, while complaining about the extreme cold and how much I hate it, then make the trek over to the stable to see my best friend since childhood.

Cherokee would spot the kids and I walking into the pasture, whinny in welcome, and stroll toward us. The girls would greet him with hugs, then he would rest his head on my shoulder. His soft breath would ruffle my hair as he exhaled, and I would rub his nose and forehead in return. We would spend the afternoon grooming him and feeding him an abundance of his favorite treats, and I would tell him thank you for being such a loyal and loving friend for so many years.

It was an anniversary that was celebrated for 24 years. But it didn't happen today. There was no horse to see. We will never see him again.

It has been almost two months to the day since I had to say a sudden and somewhat unexpected farewell to my horse. I've only had a handful of extremely painful moments in my lifetime, and saying goodbye to him was one of them. It was like saying goodbye to a lifelong friend, and with that goodbye, I let go of the last shred of my childhood.

The thing about grief when you are a mother of four is this: there is no time to grieve.  Life is always busy and chaotic. The distractions are constant and before you know it, time has passed. 
A constant feeling of sadness doesn't exist. It comes in quick flashes when you least expect it.

The pain hits me as I reach into the vegetable drawer for dinner ingredients and spot the bag of carrots. It hits in the quiet moments, as I'm driving the car or just standing still.  The pain hits as I scoop hay into the rabbit cage and I catch a hint of the stable smell. It hits just before I close my eyes at night. The pain hits when I see a horse in a pasture, a horse on TV or hear somebody talking about horses. It hits me when I pass by the halter that is hanging on my bedroom wall...the halter that will never be on him again. It hits me when my foot brushes against a bag in the corner of my bedroom. A bag that I dropped on the floor that night, as tears streamed down my face, and never moved it again, because opening it and spotting all the items from that night would hurt too much...the blanket that covered him in the cold, dark pasture, the last few sugar cubes that he didn't have the energy to eat, and the tuft of forelock that I snipped off after he was gone.

Ignoring the pain isn't going to make it going away, but dealing with it makes it so final.  I honestly don't know if I'm ready to fully face it just yet. I prefer to get caught up in the busyness of life and deal with the loss in those brief moments when the pain hits. It gives me a chance to wallow in the sadness for a few minutes before another welcome distraction comes along.

There is no stable to visit anymore. I don't think I could ever go back there, because it would feel empty without him. Friday nights are no longer the same without our visiting Cherokee tradition. I will never groom him again or feed him treats. I will never again feel the wind rushing through my hair as we gallop through a field or the skipped beat in my heart as we fly over a jump. Never again will I feel the softness of his forehead and ears, be able to brush his forelock out of his eyes, or wrap my arms around his warm neck and bury my face in his mane. That distinct horse smell no longer fills my nostrils. His halter now hangs on my bedroom wall and a saddle pad is still draped over a stroller in my garage. Maybe one day I will get another horse. But it won't be the same. All I have now are memories. And the hurt.

I am no longer able to celebrate this day with my best friend, but I wanted to document it in some way, one last time. I decided the best way of doing that is by sharing our story again and letting my words best explain just how special an equine friendship can be.

****************************

I was only 13 years old when my parents gave me the most amazing gift ever. My very own horse!

I begged for a horse for many years with no luck. I had just given up hope when I received the surprise of a lifetime! Once they realized I was truly dedicated, my parents took the plunge and made a major investment. Even though they sacrificed to make it work, my parents still say buying that horse was the best decision they ever made for me.

My horse was my first love. I fell in love with Cherokee the moment I first met him, and over 20 years later, I still love him fiercely. We truly grew up together.

Most of my childhood memories involve Cherokee. Countless hours were spent at the stable. When I wasn't riding, I was taking care of him, cleaning the barn, or training for our next show.  Homework was completed every afternoon on horse back. His soft neck absorbed the tears I shed over the many teen woes. I have memories of galloping across hilltops, peaceful trail rides, and playing tag on horseback with friends in the woods. We rode together in the rain, heat, sleet, snow and frigid cold. We made incredible memories together and formed a bond that time and distance can't break.

After 6 years of Cherokee being the most important thing in my world, I met a boy.  That boy stole my heart, and I began to spend less time with Cherokee. But he was always there. Just waiting. And then a baby came into our world and commanded all my attention. I had even less time for Cherokee. But I couldn't...wouldn't...give him up.

Cherokee welcomed that first tiny human into his life.

And a second one.

And a third.

And finally, a fourth. A fourth who just "officially" met his horse and wasn't too impressed yet.

Cherokee was always patient. Always accepting. Always waiting. And every time I walked away from him, I would glance back and see him watching me. The look on his face broke my heart every single time. It was almost as if he was begging me not to leave him again.

After Liam joined our family, the time I had to spend with my first love was very minimal.  Months would go by without a visit. There were other horses and other people who spent time with him, but it wasn't the same.  The guilt consumed me on a daily basis, but my time and energy was already spread so thin. Every time I thought of him, I could only imagine how hurt and abandoned he must have felt.

It reached the point where the guilt hit on a daily basis, and I had trouble sleeping at night.

Cherokee is nearly 30. He's an old man in horse years. He's no longer as lean and muscular as he once was. (To be fair, neither am I.) The incredible spirit that once made him a handful is now tamed. He moves much more slowly. His spots have faded. Lately, he seems depressed and I just want that spark to return to his eyes.

A lot can change during the course of two decades. The two of us are nothing like how we used to be, and it breaks my heart at times. I often feel regret. I SHOULD have been there more. But the past is the past, and I can only work on the now. We're still together, and that's what matters.

I know I'm in denial. Deep in my heart, I know that our time together is limited.  I know I have to make an effort to visit him more often. My kids adore him. It will never be the same for them as it was for me, but I want my kids to make memories with our horse, too!

So that's what we're doing! And truth be told, it's pretty amazing to stand back and watch my girls form a bond with Cherokee. I can only imagine that's how my parents felt when they watched me building a bond with him all those years ago.

I see my girls look at him the same way I once looked at him.

I see the joy on their faces when they ride.  

And as I watch them, I suddenly find myself reliving my past.

That past is just a fond, distant memory. Now we're working on building new memories!

Countless times over the past 20 years, I desperately wished Cherokee could live at home with me. Leaving him was always the worst. Unfortunately, that never worked out in our favor.  Now my kids say the same thing.  We hate leaving him behind, because he belongs with us. Parting is always so difficult. But now, we make the promise to come back soon. So soon.

Cherokee is mine forever, and I'll always be his girl. We're both just older versions of what we once were. I have no plans to let him go before his time, but when that impossible time comes when we do have to part, I'm going to hold him as tightly as I possibly can and blanket him with tears full of love and memories of our life together.

It's a good life and we're still writing those pages in our story.

*************************

Our story came to an end on November 15, 2016, on a cold night, in a starry pasture.

The call came in from the stable owner just as I was getting ready to cook dinner. I could tell by the tone that this was it; the moment I had been dreading. I called my husband and parents in tears, hurriedly dropped the girls and Liam off at my parent's house, and rushed to the barn with my dad and Dylan. 

When I spotted Cherokee on the ground in that pasture, I knew. I wanted to fight it and cling to hope, but I just knew it was time to say goodbye. The only thing I could do was get down on the ground with my best friend and hold him until it was his time to leave this world. 

I vaguely remember shivering on the cold, hard ground, with Dylan next to me. I held Cherokee's head on my lap and told Dylan all the fond memories of our adventures together, while the full moon rose in the starry sky. For once, I was grateful for the vet's tardiness. I was given the gift of two final hours with my best friend and I held him until after he took his last breath. I was given the chance to say goodbye, which was exactly how I hoped it would be.

I was struck by these words in my original post on May 25th, "When that impossible time comes when we do have to part, I'm going to hold him as tightly as I possibly can and blanket him with tears full of love and memories of our life together." Although it hurts so much, it was exactly what happened, and I am incredibly grateful for that. 

As I learned from past experience, time heals, but the pain never truly leaves you. And that's okay. Because that pain is only a reminder of the person or thing that you once loved so much. 

I was a girl who loved a horse very, very much and he loved me back so fiercely. Though he's physically gone, Cherokee's love and loyalty will stay with me forever. I felt compelled to share our story one last time on the anniversary of the most memorable day of my childhood. The gift of a horse turned out to be an incredible one and filled an unbelievable amount of days in my life story!

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The Love Of A Horse and a Heartbreaking Goodbye

"The love of a horse knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

Cherokee Song

1985-November 15, 2016 

Our family experienced a monumental loss this evening. Although I have been preparing myself for this moment, I wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly or for it to be this painful. It's even more difficult because my children are completely devastated. One day in the near future I will share a worthy post in honor of the horse who came into my life when I was a child, grew up with me and stood loyally by my side for 23 years. 

Today isn't that day. Today, I mourn the loss of a best friend and words escape me.

   "In the steady gaze of the horse shines a silent eloquence that speaks of love and loyalty, strength and courage. It is the window that reveals to us how willing is his spirit, how generous his heart."

Saying a final goodbye was unbelievably difficult. I may not have the perfect words to describe this loss right now, so I'm just going to share these words from last night:

Around 7:40 PM this evening, my best friend left this world. I knew it was coming and I tried so hard to prepare myself for the moment but I simply wasn't ready. The pain is numbing. 

I had 23 amazing years with him and it wasn't enough. I can't even imagine my life without him in it and I can't find the words to explain just how much I loved him. We grew up together and have a lifetime of memories. 

Cherokee had the most amazing spirit and was never still before and it hurt so much to see him like that. He tried so hard to get up but just couldn't muster the strength. All I can say is that when your horse is on the ground and unable to get up, you just get right down there with him and hold him until he's gone. 

I will be forever thankful for the two peaceful hours I spent holding him under the starry, moonlit sky, and even more thankful that Dylan decided to document one of our last moments together. I'm so grateful we got to spend his last hours in this world together. 

Cherokee lived a long life and we spent it together. It was time to let go and as much as I wanted to scream and plead for more time and hope for a miracle, I knew I had to let him go. It was his time. He was supposed to die in my arms, from old age, and I was supposed to be there as he passed. We got the chance to say our final goodbye.

Although it was heartbreaking, it was exactly how I always hoped it would happen. With Dylan and the vet by my side, and all of the ladies from the stable surrounding us, Cherokee Song took his last breath in my arms. With my arms wrapped around his head and my forehead pressed against his, he left this world to the sound of my voice telling him how much I loved him.

Run free, my beautiful friend. I will love you forever. I will listen for the sound of your hoofbeats in the thunder, feel your spirit in the wind, and when the sun hits my face, I will think of you and all the amazing moments we had together. Until we meet again...

 

 

Friday Favorites

Happy Friday!

I am so relieved it's the weekend! I'm fairly certain this was the longest, most frustrating and most expensive week I've had in months. I'll save all that for another day! All I can say is that I'm really looking forward to putting on pajamas and curling up in bed for a date with Netflix tonight!

Here are a few of my favorite things this week:

{ONE}

Liam recently had a photoshoot for the Down Syndrome Association of Pittsburgh's 2017 calendar. We had to choose our favorite picture and we ended up going with this one. Ward Photography captured his joy so well!

{TWO}

Every time I go to Target (which is at least once a week) the dollar spot immediately pulls me in! Their selection for Halloween and Thanksgiving this year is unbeatable. I just keep adding things to my cart!

{THREE}

Have you heard of Pley? It's a toy library where you can "rent" educational toys! You choose the toys you want to try from the 500+ toy library and put them in your Pley List. You can choose a plan where you pay for 1 toy credit a month ($12.99 plus shipping) or a plan where you pay for 3 toy credits ($29.99 plus shipping). You get sanitized toys delivered right to your house one at a time then return them when you are finished!

I chose Magformers because I knew it was a toy that all four of my kids would enjoy! Sure enough, they loved it but my girls were most excited about the Lego bracelet that was theirs to keep. Dylan, however, thought the Lego separator was "epic."

AND just in case your kid doesn't want to return the toy there is an option to buy it with the click of a button in your account!


*I received a free credit from Pley in exchange for my honest review. All opinions are my own.

{FOUR}

I always get so excited when a package from Trendy Bubs shows up in my mailbox! Thanks to them Liam is the coolest kid in town (it's that hair, too).

The Sporadic White Arrows on Mustard Organic Cotton Leggings are adorable and you can add on matching accessories! The Peacemaker shirt can be customized by color and style. To save 20% on your order use the code liamff at checkout (excluding sale and custom name items).

*Liam is a brand rep for Trendy Bubs and receives clothing in exchange for pictures. 

{FIVE}

I recently won a fun giveaway from XO Kerry! These bibs from ToppyToddler are AMAZING. Liam is still messy and needs a bib when he eats. Unfortunately, he figured out how to remove our favorite Ikea bibs/smocks, which attach with velcro.


These bibs fasten with snaps and he can't get them off! I love how they provide ample coverage and are truly waterproof. I love them so much that I tossed one in the diaper bag and one in his lunchbox!

{SIX}

Grant recently got to try Ralph Lauren Polo Blue from Influenster (complimentary for testing purposes/all opinions are my own).  He's a bit of a cologne snob but he loved this one! It's perfect for the office or for casual use. I really like the classic, fresh scent, too, so that's an added bonus!
 

{SEVEN}

My horse is still here and for that I'm grateful. I'm not going to sugar coat it: he's failing. He just looks old and he's acting even older. This is much more difficult than I imagined it would be. I'm spending as much time as I possibly can with him these days (which isn't much) and I just hope he knows how much he's loved.

 

{EIGHT} 

That last one was a bit heavy! How about if I leave you with these sweet pictures from my post yesterday? They're definitely my favorite pictures of the week!  (I'll spare you the moody tween!)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! What's on your agenda?

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Warp Speed Ahead

Happy Monday, my friends! 

It was a not so relaxing weekend around here and nothing is going to change in the near future. We have something planned every single day until my kids head back to school on the 31st. The last few weeks of Summer seem to be moving at warp speed! Thankfully there's a beach vacation in the middle of all that chaos!

This week Dylan, Lexie and my niece, Aubrey, have science camp for 4 days. Liam has 2 therapy sessions, Dylan has 2 playdates and I have 1-3 extra kids with me each day, I have to start and finish back to school shopping for all 4 kids, have a photoshoot and attend Liam's IEP meeting. On top of all that, there are at least a dozen errands on my list. I also have to fit in shopping and preparing for Lily and Liam's combined birthday party on Saturday. I may as well just move into my car! Is there any way to duplicate myself this week?!?

Next week is Liam's final week of Early Intervention so he will be having sessions with each of his 3 amazing therapists who have been with us since he was a baby. His OT has been with us since he was 2 months old. I can't even think about it without crying!  I'm taking the kids somewhere that Monday, I have to pack for the beach all week and Liam will celebrate his 3rd Birthday on Thursday. Then we are beach-bound!

That relaxing week at the beach is going to be AMAZING!

I missed my past two Friday Favorites posts, so I'm going to share a bit of life lately today. We have been busy!

I got a new SUV! 

The lease on my Chevy Traverse was up so it was time to get a new familymobile! AKA my Mom Taxi. I loved it so much that I just opted for another one in a different color. We also decided to add a roof rack option to make heading to the beach a bit more comfortable for the kid in the back seat!

When I picked it up, it just felt like I was climbing into a newer (much cleaner) version of my last SUV. There are a few new features, but everything else is the same, including the interior. I love it, though. I don't have a single complaint from the 3 years I had my last one!

Grant's family owns a dealership, which is incredibly helpful. All I have to do is tell them what I'm looking for, show up and sign!

I'm officially a dance mom!

I registered Lexie and Lily for dance tonight. Lexie will be taking a hip hop class and Lily will be taking ballet/tap/jazz/tumbling. They are both so excited! Just for the record, my Thursday nights are over. I'll be logging in 3 hours each week at the dance studio!

I'm excited to announce that I'm now a Nuby Parent Blogger!

We're big fans of Nuby products so we're thrilled to join the team!

Reunited.

We went to my family reunion on Saturday. It's always wonderful to see my extended family. They really are a great group of people! I always hear horror stories about how families refuse to accept children who have Down syndrome but my dad's side of the family is the complete opposite and I'm so thankful! I only took a few pictures, but everybody had a great time!

 

We're gearing up for the first day of school!

I'm not ready to say goodbye to Summer Break but the first day of school is rapidly approaching. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm going to be a mess on Lily's first day of Kindergarten and especially on the morning I drop Liam off for preschool. August 31st is the big day for Dylan, Lexie and Lily!

We're not certain yet if Liam has a spot in preschool, how often he will go or when he will start. I hate not knowing, but we'll finally have our answers on Thursday morning. My 3 older kids will know who their teachers are by next week and building visitation day is coming up. We will be missing Lily's Kindergarten Orientation due to being on vacation, but she's going to be perfectly fine on the first day. Me on the other hand...

{Backpack from Pottery Barn Kids}

My social butterflies!

The Mom Taxi is working overtime this Summer! Lexie's best friend (her cousin, Aubrey) is with us all Summer, so she gets to spend each weekday with her BFF.  It's going to be tough for both of them when school is back in session!

Dylan is now a tween and just wants to hang out with his friends all the time. I feel like I'm constantly dropping him off and picking him up from hanging out with his friends, but he's having a good Summer.

Lily was invited to a string of birthday parties lately. She had one last weekend, had one on Friday, has one this Sunday and another next week. It's girly party overload around here! Dylan is going to one next Sunday, too. I'm going to have to get a part time job just to pay for all the gifts soon!

I got to try out The U.S.H!

The U.S.H was originally developed to hold all those unmatched socks until the match was found but it has so many other uses. It can hang vertically and horizontally so the possibilities are endless. I got to try it out before it went public and I love this thing! It's definitely getting packed in my suitcase for vacation to hold all those wet towels and suits. You can find out more HERE. 

We had a Word Party!

I absolutely love being a part of the Netflix StreamTeam! One of the perks is the super awesome packages that arrive in the mail to promote shows on Netflix. Recently a new show called Word Party premiered on Netflix and Lily loves it! It is such a fun educational show for kids and theme song is quite catchy!

Netflix sent over a box of items including handmade Word Party character masks, magnetic letters and a felt shape matching set. It was perfect timing because we're currently brushing up on Lily's skills for Kindergarten.

Stay tuned for Beat Bugs...

Weekends at the stable. 

We have been leaving Suburbia and heading a few miles into the country each week to visit our horse.  Each time we go it makes me long to buy a house with a few acres so we can have our own mini-farm!

Lily is a natural on horseback and I'm going to start giving her lessons soon!

World Breastfeeding Week.

I need to write another in post about our experience, but I shared a brief version of my breastfeeding story on Instagram yesterday. I successfully breastfed both of my girls, but it didn't come as easily with Liam. Despite being told repeatedly by many medical professionals that he simply couldn't breastfeed based on his diagnosis alone, I was determined to make it work. We proved those medical professionals wrong. Liam breastfed until his 2nd birthday and it was, without a doubt, the most important battle I ever fought for my son!

VACATION!

We are less than two weeks away from heading to the beach and I am so excited. There's a million things to accomplish before we leave, but that week of relaxation at my most favorite place will be worth it!

I have 3 guest posts lined up for the week I'm gone, but if you're interested in being a guest poster, I would love to feature you! Email lexieloolilyboodylantoo@yahoo.com. Also, if you're interested in joining an Instagram Engagement Group, send me an email!

There's no doubt about it: The last few weeks of Summer are going to fly by!

Is it already Back to School time for your family or do you have a few days of Summer left? 

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