Thursday, February 3, 2011

When The Walls Come Crumbling Down

I'm going to keep it real. On Tuesday night, I had a mini breakdown. The stress of the past few months caught up to me, and I couldn't keep my emotions in check any longer.

I am typically a calm, collected person. I am very much like my dad in that aspect. I let my feelings be known, but I'm just not one to have angry outbursts or burst into tears in front of others.

I even keep my cool while enduring months of extreme morning sickness. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it. With each pregnancy, I've learned to live with it, and it almost becomes "normal." Grant is the only person that sees how frustrated it makes me. The truth is, I even shield him from it. I know he doesn't deal well with puke, so I just don't talk much about it. There are times (this morning, for instance), where I just can't hide it, but I don't dwell on it. Let's face it: If I did, everything I say would be, "I'm sick...still sick...still sick...still sick...still sick..." So I suck it up, and just deal with it.

My breakdown was inevitable. The combination of being sick every single waking moment for the past 9 weeks and constantly worrying about my dad, all the while trying to lead a normal life, took it's toll on me. It's funny that I was able to hold myself together until after his first surgery. I was doing so well. All it took was one snotty text message, and I lost it. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't want Grant and the kids to witness my breakdown, so I ran to the bathroom, climbed into the tub, and just cried. Once the tears started, I couldn't get them to stop. After some time, I climbed into bed, and cried some more. I couldn't hide any longer, so I did my best to calm down and face my family.

I woke up the next morning with a massive migraine, and I still felt completely on edge. I cried all day, and couldn't even answer my phone, fearing that I might lose it again. Finally, I talked to Grant, and let it all out. And it felt good. Really good! That's not to say that I didn't cry again, but it felt great to let somebody else know how I was feeling.

Today, I felt much better. The pounding headache still lingered, and I spent the morning throwing up, but the sun was shining, and I was back in control.

As I mentioned yesterday, life isn't always full of happiness. What I've realized is that it's okay to lose it. I'm not superwoman, nor should I be. It's important to lean on family and friends for support. I shouldn't be ashamed to admit that I lost control. Honestly? I'm not. I'm only human.

22 comments:

  1. Good for you! Sometimes a few days of crying makes a huge difference. Glad to hear that talking to Grant made you feel better - it always feels like a weight is lifted when that happens to me :)

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  2. Ahh.. I hope you get to feeling better. And your right.. nothing is perfect so it's okay to go crazy every once in a while. We as women and mothers get the right! Hope you have a nice weekend.

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  3. It is ok to let it all out sometimes and it is horrible to hold it all in at any time.. Like you said you are not superwomen and no one expects that of you. Stay strong girl, I wil; be thinking about you!

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  4. I'm sending tons of positive thoughts your way :)

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  5. You are right .. we all need those moments to just let it all out! You have had so much on your shoulders lately. I think you were due for a little breakdown!! Glad you are feeling better! Still praying for your dad and your family!

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  6. Im so sorry about your breakdown but sometimes is better to just let it out! we as women/ moms try to be so strong,and keep everything together but you are absolutely right, we are only human.

    hang in there! Im glad you had a better day!

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  7. You ARE only human. I'm glad you're able to find comfort in leaning on your husband. That's one of the main reasons they're there, right? To support us when we need them. And you need him so much right now. Morning sickness is hard enough when it's the only thing you're struggling with. Add your very real fears for your dad and I can only admire you for keeping it together as long as you did! I've never met you in person but I already know after years of online friendship that you have a big heart and of course you'd be falling apart with all that you're enduring at this point. I'm thinking about you, Stef! And you and your father are both added to my daily prayers. I'd tell you to "stay strong" like I hear so often but you know what? Don't. It's impossible and unnecessary. Allow yourself your emotional breakdowns when you need them and pick yourself up afterward. Stay real! I wish I was there to offer a hug!

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  8. It can be so healing just to cry for a bit. I think sometimes it takes a lot for us to get to the point where we can be that vulnerable. And then God shows just how faithful He is.

    Hope you are feeling better.

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  9. Oh my gosh...seriously, you poor thing. I can't imagine being that sick for the whole pregnancy. I'm so sorry. You are right, you are only human and I hope that release helped you feel a little better.

    Glad to hear you are feeling better now. I hope that continues for you :)

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  10. Wish I could give you a hug! XOXO

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  11. I'm sorry you've been going through so much and holding it in. I am glad you were able to get it out. I hope you feel better soon.

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  12. I am glad you are feeling better about everything. I think sometimes breaking down is what is needed to start rebuilding. Honestly, given what you've been going through, I think you are amazing and strong. I'm not sure I would have been handling it as well as you are. Hang in there!

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  13. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, especially at once. If you ever need to vent or want somewhere to drop the kids off, while you relax, please don't hesitate to ask. Hang in there hun. Much love <3

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  14. pregnancy has always been the most stressful times of my life. I love babies but I wish I could just go get them at the store...it really is an emotional rollercoaster and hard!

    hang in there.

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  15. I thik everybody needs to little break downs to release all the bed feelings! I hope you feel better!

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  16. First, HUGS and we love you! Second, you are not only human but you are an amazing human. I understand completely about being pregnant and sick 24/7...also about having a sick parent while pregnant. It was one of the hardest years for me personally. I really do mean that you can lean on me. When ever, where ever. Take care Mama.

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  17. Awww, I hope you're feeling better. It always feels good to have a good cry once in awhile. You have so much going on in your life right now, you can't and shouldn't keep it all inside. Hope you have a better weekend!

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  18. I know how you feel except I lose it quite often. You can only take so much before melt down time. Keep your head up girl it will get better!

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  19. I posted about my breakdown today too and mine was over a dirty house. I think you are entitled to one with everything you have going on. How is your dad doing? I'm praying that things get easier on your soon! xo

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  20. well, its no wonder with all of your stress and that morning sickness(you have it so bad!) that the breakdown didn't come sooner. a bathtub cry is just what you needed...you poor thing. Hope your headache goes away completely and that you find some comfort in those precious kiddos you have at home! Glad your hubby was able to calm you and make you feel better too :)

    Have a good day! and yes, we are ALL only human!!

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  21. Good for you for doing what you needed. You've had some crazy months for sure, and holding it in is hard. I think of you, with the constant sickness, and feel for you. Every minute of sickness is hard, especially when you are trying to "fake" feeling okay for the kids. Lots of love to you.

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