I failed at life this week. I feel like I just need to admit defeat, and count down the seconds until the weekend.
This motherhood gig is tough...times four! When I add in daily responsibilities, a blog that is starting to become a part time job, hours spent taking and editing pictures, a daily volunteer job and way too much time spent behind the wheel of my SUV each day, life becomes too overwhelming. There's literally NO time for anything else. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and I'm giving up too much sleep in order to accomplish it all. I'm giving up myself. And when I CAN'T accomplish it all, I feel like a big failure.
Last week was a terrible week. Everything went wrong, and I'm playing major catch up this week. But instead of actually catching up, my to do list just keeps getting longer, and my weekly obligations keep piling up. I'm completely overwhelmed, and I lost my cool several times this week.
I failed at parenting this week.
Instead of building Dylan up, I criticized. I could hear myself nagging, and I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't stop. I completely missed the signs that he was dealing with an issue at school, and when it finally hit me and I asked him, he opened up. All I felt was guilt.
Due to timing, I was unable to meet Lexie at her book fair for the last time. Next year, she will be in the "big" school and will be attending her book fairs alone. I also completely forgot she wanted to buy her favorite lunch this week and sent her with a packed lunch instead. She just kept smiling, and I just kept failing her.
Lily and I log in at least an hour each day working on reading, sight words and writing. It takes up so much time, and when I have too much on my plate, the frustration builds up. I completely snapped at her today when she mixed up a nickel and a quarter. I failed to focus on the fact that she read more words than she ever has before and that she was tired after being at school all morning and following it up with an hour of work at home.
I don't feel like I was able to honor Liam on World Down Syndrome Day. I managed to write a post for my blog and a post for Pittsburgh Moms Blog, but while everybody else was doing some amazing things, I was too overworked to accomplish much at all. Instead, I got not one, not two, but THREE messages accusing me of making up his Down syndrome. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely stuck in between the regular world and the Ds world, because the traits aren't as noticeable.
I completely failed at marriage this week.
I was so stressed out due to having three major sponsored post draft deadlines within a 12 hour period that I wasn't even able to enjoy having Grant work from home. Instead, I found myself getting irritated. And when I was able to spend time with him, I was completely distracted. It led to him lecturing me about doing too much. He wasn't wrong, but the responsibility of school, activities, bills and maintaining the home falls squarely on my shoulders. This week, I was just extra stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted.
I completely failed at exercise this week.
So much for running three times a week. The only running I get in these days is running out the door in a rush. And when I put on a swimsuit on Sunday, all the negative feelings I used to have came rushing back, and that's a scary thing.
I completely failed at blogging this week.
I had a big goal of posting on my blog Monday-Friday this week, and I failed last night. I almost failed again tonight, before I decided a real life post was in order. I can't even focus on the fact that I literally worked for 12 hours straight to meet three deadlines on Monday (miraculously, I did), or that I just turned in drafts for some big sponsored posts, or the fact that I was just offered my most exciting collaboration ever. All I can focus on is the fact that I didn't finish a post last night, and opted for 3 hours of sleep instead.
Don't even get me started about not being able to read any of my favorite blogger's posts this week or visit the link parties I'm involved in yet. And even though I'm writing now, all I can think about is the post that's sitting in my drafts, that should have been posted last night.
I completely failed at checking items off my to do list this week.
Clean house? Nope. 17 loads of laundry put away? No! Emails sent? Not at all. Yearly forms for Liam filled out? The deadline is tomorrow. New camera and lens ordered? I haven't even decided. Brand rep work done? Not even on my radar right now, and the guilt is consuming me. Easter pictures taken? HAHAHAHA.
Instead of checking off items, I added another page. Never mind the fact that we also added two school open houses, dinner out and weekend plans to our already overbooked schedule. And tomorrow I have to be three places at the same time. It's totally going to happen, because that's what I do.
There were many things I did right this week. I read to my children. I spent time with each child individually and made them feel important. I submitted 3 posts that I felt really good about. I worked really hard on an upcoming post, and it's almost done. I spent some time taking pictures and ended up with some beautiful shots. I managed to wash and fold 17 loads of laundry. I lined up homes for 5 baby bunnies. I completed a few good deeds. I made a new friend. I loved my family fiercely. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like I did enough.
I failed at life this week, and I'm sharing it with you because I know I'm not alone. I know we all have those days. And I know that one of the biggest struggles most of us face is dealing with the guilt over not being able to do it all and the exhaustion that comes from doing too much. I failed at life this week, and it's likely I'll fail tomorrow. But I'm going to get up after 3 hours of sleep, look at it as a fresh start, move forward, and hope for a better day! Because truly, it could be so much worse.
To all of my mom friends failing at life this week: Solidarity, sisters! We're in this together!