Thursday, October 2, 2008

My love/hate relationship with October

I love fall. I love everything about it. The smell in the air, the colors of the leaves changing, the cool weather that allows me to wear my comfortable sweaters, the holidays, the activities...I just love this time of year.

I do not love October. Every year, the 1st of October arrives and I just feel down. October holds horrible memories for me. I am able to cope quite well, now that I have my two little kiddos to keep me busy. The past few Octobers have been great, but there are always those memories in the back of my mind, haunting me every day.

Mainly, it started in October of 2004. I was pregnant and dealing with preterm labor issues. I had to rush to the hospital at 30 weeks, with contractions. I received shots to stop the contractions, and had a short stay in labor & delivery, and was sent home on bed rest. All I had to do was keep that baby in for 8 more weeks.
The day I was released, I had to take my beloved, 2 year old Great Dane to the vet, because she had been losing weight and was not acting well. Morgana was my first baby. I loved everything about her. I sat there in disbelief as the vet told me that my dog was very, very sick and only had weeks, if that, to live.
On top of that, my parents had just lost their home (my childhood home) in a horrible flood from a hurricane. One of my sisters and I were having a fight. And we were in the process of buying our house.

I had to keep my baby in, be there for my parents, and watch my dog die all at once.

I sat in bed for a week with my dog, and she died in my arms 1 week later. It is a memory that is seared in my mind forever, and every time I think of it, the grief floods through me.

The last few weeks of October were spent in complete loneliness. I had to lay on the couch, in our new home, and watch as others unpacked my things. I had to lay in my living room all day long, while Grant was at work, thinking only of my dog that had just died, and left me feeling incomplete. I had to worry about keeping my baby inside of me, even though I was contracting non-stop.

The weeks passed and November arrived, leaving behind a month of hell. Every October after that has been a million times better than that one, but I still remember all of the feelings that I had during that time period. It hits me every year.

Now, I just focus on all the fun my kids are having. I enjoy the things we do in October, but I have to admit, I breathe a sigh of relief on November 1st.

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